(a comedy-satire sketch)
CHARACTERS
MAJOR:
- DELIVERY GUY: The Amazon delivery guy (Ramesh)
- HARI: The butler of the household (wearing a gamcha)
- PEEPAE: The driver/gardener (wearing a stupid hat, with a liquor peg in his hand)
- RUPALI: The maid (wearing a sari)
MINOR:
- HUSBAND: The husband of the household
- WIFE: The wife
- TIMTIM: Their teenage daughter
- GRANDFATHER: The husband’s father
- GRANDMOTHER: The husband’s mother
OFF-SCREEN:
- CHAMPA: The neighbor’s maid
- SEEMA BHABHI: The neighbor
INT. INSIDE THE GHATIYA HOUSE — LATE MORNING
The curtains open. The servants (Hari, Peepae, and Rupali) are doing their household chores when Rupali emanates a shriek of pain.
RUPALI
(annoyed)
Hayyeeee meri kamar.
HARI
(approaching her)
Arey, kya hua Rupali? Aao, baithke batao.
Hari points toward a spot on the floor. The three servants gather and squat down on the floor near Rupali.
RUPALI
(agonizingly)
Hari bhai, ek toh meri ye mari kamar, phir din raat kaam karo, aur pagaar bhi uss mari Champa se kam.
HARI
(confused)
Koun, vo Sharma ji waali Champa?
RUPALI
Haan, Sharma ji waali Champa.
PEEPAE
(very drunk)
Champaaaaaaa.
Champaaaaaaaaaaaa.
RUPALI & HARI
(explaining using hands)
Kaaki hai Peepae, kaaki hai.
HARI
Kitne Rupiye jyada hai?
RUPALI
500 Rupiye, poore Paanch Sau.
HARI
Tumse ki humse?
RUPALI
Apan se toh 500 hai, Peepae se toh poore Saat Sau jyada hai.
Peepae shows 6 fingers to the audience, and yells profoundly.
PEEPAE
Saat Sauuuu.
Rupali corrects his fingers.
RUPALI
700 kam hai Peepae. Kam.
HARI
(confounded)
Par aisa kya karti hai vo ki uski pagaar itni jyada hai?
RUPALI
Chaploos hai, din bhar chaaploosi karti hai.
HARI
Chaaploos hai?
RUPALI
Aur kya.
(after a moment of thinking)
Agar vo chaaploosi kar sakti hai, toh kya hum nahi kar sakte?
PEEPAE
(waving his hand)
Nahi kar sakte…
RUPALI
Kar sakte hai peepae, kar sakte hai.
HARI
(gesturing a peg to Peepae)
Chhota milega extra roz ka.
PEEPAE
(aggravated, throws his hat down)
Hum karunga chaaploosi.
HARI & RUPALI
Hum karenge chaaploosiii.
The servants happiliy sing and dance a little on some music, imagining their increased salary, and after a while, get to their work.
INT. INSIDE THE GHATIYA HOUSE – LATE MORNING
The husband gets ready to go to work. He leaves the room, and goes to the hall. He meets his father, and touches his feet. His father kicks him playfully on his left butt. The husband then meets Timtim his teenage daughter. The husband takes a step towards his daughter and strokes her hair.
HUSBAND
Aur gudiya.
TIMTIM
(with attitude)
Come on, Dad. I’m busy.
The husband then walks towards the hall and knocks on the bathroom door. Meanwhile his daughter is taking cringeworthy selfies.
HUSBAND
(knocking more rapidly)
Kaun hai andar?
WIFE V.O.
(on telephone)
Kya baat kar rahi ho Seema bhabhi, OTP dene par 2 lakh gayab ho gaye . . .
(annoyed)
Mai hu, aur kaun hai.
HUSBAND
Kya kar rahi ho?
WIFE V.O.
Bathroom me log kya karte hai?
(on telephone)
Mai toh kisi ko OTP nahi deti.
HUSBAND
Acha b-bas do mint ke liye bahar aa sakti ho, kaafi urgent hai.
WIFE V.O.
(on the telephone)
Rukiye Seema bhabhi . . . batati hu inko.
HUSBAND
(impatiently)
Achha achha baba mai jaata hu.
The husband goes towards his mother. She is trying to fix her radio. He touches her feet ever so slightly, and starts right. His mother extends her foot conspicuously.
GRANDMOTHER
Tch tch.
The husband touches her feet again, and points towards the sewing machine.
HUSBAND
Amma vo screw zara dheela reh gaya hai.
GRANDMOTHER
(mockingly)
Vo toh tera bhi reh gaya hai beta . . .
GRANDFATHER
(while reading the newspaper)
Heh heh. Waah, kya chutkula hai.
The husband meets Rupali, who’s mopping that part of the floor, and stops suddenly, as if with fear.
RUPALI
(with a large smile)
Jaaiye na sahab, jaaiye.
The husband is completely shocked, because something like this has never happened before. He expresses his surprise and moves ahead to the right.
HARI
Sahab.. Ye lijiye naashta . . . khaas aapke liye sandwich banaya hai.
The husband gestures a “for me?” using his hands.
HARI
Haan sahab, aap hi ke liye banaya hai.
The husband takes the sandwich and takes a bite from it. He expresses that it’s yummy and leaves the house. Hari and the servants take a bite and express disgust at the same sandwich. The husband needs a place to take a leak.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE GHATIYA HOUSE — LATE MORNING
The grandmother tunes the radio. Ramesh, the delivery guy, gets off his motorcycle. The song “Jaana tha japaan.” runs in the background. Everyone does their usual household chores. The wife is washing (while talking to Seema bhabhi); the husband is getting ready for office.
Ramesh goes to the wall outside the house and does peshab. The husband joins in. “Mud mud ke naa dekh” plays in the BG.
Ramesh takes a box (4ft x 3ft x 3ft) with him to the Ghatiya house, and rings the doorbell. Hari gets to the door.
HARI
Koun hai?
DELIVERY GUY
Sir, Amazon se hai.
RUPALI
(with a smirk)
Hari bhai, Champa to Amejan wale ko andar bula leti hai.
DELIVERY GUY
Sir, ma’am, aapki delivery hai.
RUPALI
Arey janaab, aap toh galat ghar me aa gaye, delivery toh Champa ki huyi thi pichle hafte . . . paanchwa tha, hari bhai, batao.
DELIVERY GUY
Aap samjhe nahi.. Ye aapka order hai.
PEEPAE
(flustered, pointing)
Bhaiya, ee dega humko odder.
HARI
(to Peepae, passing him a flask)
Tu ghoot le Peepae.. Tu ghoot le.
DELIVERY GUY
Sir aapka order nahi, aapke liye order hai.
HARI
(reassuringly)
Acha aap theheriye, hum poochhke aate hai.
Hari goes to the grandmother and asks what to do next. Meanwhile, Peepae and Rupali keep the guest entertained.
HARI
Maa ji, bahar darwaaze pe koi aaye hai, kya kare?
GRANDMOTHER
Baithao unhe, mehmaan hai, atithi hai, khaatir karo, andar bulao, chai pilao.
HARI
(to other servants)
Arey mehmaan hai, mehmaan hai, andar bulao. Chai pilao.
RUPALI
Chai lijiye, hai lijiye.
All servants gather around the delivery guy out of curiosity. Hari goes to the grandfather to ask what to do next.
HARI
Bauji, vo jo aadmi hai, Amejan se hai, vo kuch parcel-varcel laaya hai shayad.
DAUGHTER
(excited)
Amazon. Oh, Jeff Bezos.
GRANDFATHER
(eureka moment)
Haan . . . naam pucho uska . . . agar Jaff Bajaj nahi, toh chor hai saala.
Hari explains this to Rupali, while Peepae stands on the left. He knows some deep discussion is going on.
HARI
Bhai tumne apna naam kya bataya?
DELIVERY GUY
(slightly confused)
Mera naam . . . ji Ramesh.
RUPALI
(pointing and charging)
Chor hai saala.
All servants grab the delivery guy, pull him to his chair, tie his hands to the handle, and grab his phone. He is squirming and yelling for help.
RUPALI
(disgust)
Batao; chai pilayi aur chor nikla.
DELIVERY GUY
(bewildered)
Ye kya mazaak chal raha hai kya. Chodo muhjhe.
HARI
Ramesh ji, humre bauji ne kaha hai ki agar aapna naam Jaff Bajaj . . .
DELIVERY GUY
(cutting him)
(very angry)
(throws his hands up)
AE BULAKE LAO TUMHARE BAUJI KO.
HARI
(even louder)
(threatening with a slap)
Bauji ke liye uchi awaz nahi. Sorry boliye bauji ko.
DELIVERY GUY
(frightened)
Sorry.
HARI
Apology Accepted. Ab aaram se bataiye.
DELIVERY GUY
(flabbergasted)
Sir, Jaff Bajaj . . . Jeff Bezos sahab khud nahi aate hai samaan deliver karne. Unki taraf se mai aata hu samaan le kar.
The servants discuss amongst themselves.
RUPALI
Acha . . . naukar hai.
DELIVERY GUY
Ji haan . . . naukar hu mai unka.
RUPALI
Arey, pehle kyu nahi bataya naukar ho. Hum befaltu hi chor samjhe.
DELIVERY GUY
Acha ab mujhe jaane dijiye please. Aapka chaar hazaar rupay ka cash on delivery payment dijiye aur parcel rakhiye.
HARI
Ruko, ruko. Mai bauji ko samjha ke aata hu.
Hari is off to the other room to explain the situation to the grandfather. Meanwhile, Peepae offers a peg to the delivery guy. Pink Panther music runs in the BG.
DELIVERY GUY
(alarmed, to Peepae)
Arrey, nahi nahi, ye kya kar raha hai.
Peepae insists.
DELIVERY GUY
(yells)
Pagal hai kya.
Hari is back.
HARI
Ramesh babu, bauji kahe hai ki aap jaa sakte hai. Char hajaar rupiye bhi mil jaenge.
The delivery guy gets up to leave. Hari stops him.
HARI
Par, pehle saara samaan check karana padega.
DELIVERY GUY
Par sir, Amazon ki 7-day return policy . . .
HARI
(cuts him)
Bola na check karana padega.
DELIVERY GUY
(giving up)
Acha. Jaldi karo check.
HARI
Samaan koun laaya?
DELIVERY GUY
Mai.
HARI
Paise kise chahiye?
DELIVERY GUY
Mujhe.
HARI
Toh phir check koun karega?
DELIVERY GUY
Sir, mai aapka samaan nahi dekh sakta. Amazon ki policy hai.
HARI
4000 Rupay kisko chahiye?
DELIVERY GUY
Mujhe.
HARI
Toh phir samaan kaun nikaalega?
DELIVERY GUY
(giving up)
Mai.
Ramesh stoops down, opens the parcel, and starts taking the items out one by one. The first item is a large packet of detergent. The servants are confused. Rupali explains.
RUPALI
Arey, ee toh detergent hai.
HARI
Hmm. . . kapde dhokar check karna padega.
RUPALI
(with attitude)
Ghar ke saare gande kapde mai subah saat baje sukha ke dhup me daal deti hu.
A classic 3-step Mexican standoff begins amongst the servants and the delivery guy, ending with everyone staring at him. He figures out that these crazy servants are about to take his shirt off. He yells for help.
DELIVERY GUY
Dimaag kharab hai tum sab logo ka. Mai apni shirt nahi utarunga.
HARI
4000 Rupay kisko chahiye?
DELIVERY GUY
Mujhe.
HARI
Toh phir kapde koun utaarega?
With this, Hari and Peepae open his buttons and force his shirt out and throw it to Rupali. She catches it, and while she goes in to wash it, Hari yells to her.
HARI
Ache se check karna. Ekdum safed ho jaani chaiye.
The delivery guy, who had a gray shirt, now stands in a baniyan vest feeling cold. After the detergent, he stoops down and picks up the next thing, which is a red sari.
HARI
Rupali toh kapde dhone chale gayi Peepae .. ab saari kaise test kare?
A classic 3-step Mexican standoff begins amongst the servants and the delivery guy, ending with everyone staring at him. He figures out that these crazy servants are about to make him wear a sari.
DELIVERY GUY
Abe oye, mai ko sari-wari nahi pehen-ne wala.
HARI
4000 Rupay kisko chahiye?
DELIVERY GUY
Mujhe.
HARI
Toh phir saari koun pehenega? Chal Peepae.
Hari and Peepae make him stand up by force, and start draping the red sari on him. Bollywood music plays in the BG. After this, the delivery guy is completely annoyed and he himself stoops down and picks the next item. It is a pair of shoes. Instead of giving them to Hari, he starts.
DELIVERY GUY
Rehne do, mai hi pehen leta hu.
He wears the shoes.
HARI
Dikhne me toh mast lag rahe hai shoes. Par iski qualty kese check kare Peepae?
PEEPAE
DANCE!
DELIVERY GUY
Mujhe 4000 rupay chahiye, magar mujhe koi dance-vance nahi aata.
HARI
Koi baat nahi ji. Bhabhi ji, jara dance sikha do Ramesh ji ko.
The wife enters, and Bollywood music starts. “Ek nadi se maine poocha itrake chaldi kaha . . .”. The wife starts dancing and the delivery guy follows. He either faints or trips on something and falls down prone. The music stops. Rupali is back.
RUPALI
Deterjent toh bahut hi badhiya hai.
She looks at a person in red sari lying down prone and charges towards it.
RUPALI
Dhatt.. mari Champa.
Hari and Peepae stop her.
HARI
Delivery wala hai Rupali.
RUPALI
Acha. . . mai toh Champa samjhi thi, batao. Aur kya hai bakse me?
Hari bends down and takes out the last item from the box.
HARI
Ee toh injecsan hai.
Peepae is confused. Roopali explains.
ROOPALI
Sui hai Peepae.
HARI
Isko kispe test karen?
Another mexican standoff ensues, ending with the delivery guy.
PEEPAE
Hum lagaega suiiii.
RUPALI
Nahi nahi Peepae, Hari bhai ko lagane de . . vo chhatti tak padhe hai, unhe sab aata hai.
Hari takes the injection, adds a little air to it, and poses to stick it to Ramesh’s right butt. As soon as the injection hits Ramesh, he wakes up and screams a loud, agonizing screech.
DELIVERY GUY
(super loud)
Aaaaaaargh . . . aaeh.. door hato mujhse. Door hato. Kuch nahi chahiye mujhe.. Ye rakho tumhari saari, ye rakho tumhare joote, aur rakh lo apne chaar hazaar rupay. Chup chaap kisi ghar wale ko bula ke lao.
Nobody moves.
DELIVERY GUY
Abhi ke abhi.
All servants are frightened with this sudden change in Ramesh’s demeanor, and Hari runs into the room to call the grandmother. Ramesh steps towards Peepae in anger, and Peepae shows him his bottle, as if using it as a weapon. Ramesh takes a step back, still furious. The grandmother arrives with her walking stick.
DELIVERY GUY
Ye kaise badtameez naukar rakh rakhe hai aapne.
DELIVERY GUY
(pleading, hands joined)
Madam, bas mujhe OTP de do, aur mujhe jaane do.
GRANDMOTHER
(who has bad ears)
Kya bola?
DELIVERY GUY
O. T. P.
DADI
Kya chahiye tumhe?
DELIVERY GUY
(yelling)
OTP. OTP.
“Avengers Assemble” music plays in the BG. Everyone in the house collects their weapons and takes charge towards Ramesh. Ramesh shakes his head and starts runnning out of the house.
HARI
OTP maangta hai maataji se. . .
“Tom and Jerry” music plays in the BG. Everyone runs in a chase. Ramesh takes a turn and exits the stage. Everyone else follows. The curtains close.
THE END